"Beowulf the Movie" aka "nooooo hahaha no please no stop"

              Firstly, if you have ever seen Beowulf the movie, please join me in a quick laugh followed closely by a terrified and disgusted groan: hahahahaaaaaaa ughhhhhh. Thank you. Now that we have gotten that out of our systems, we can discuss how absolutely ridiculous that movie is. In Beowulf the epic poem, Beowulf is a strong hero who has come to boast and destroy the evil in this forsaken land, but in the movie, Beowulf is a half naked liar, who seems to be strong enough, but insists on wooing Wealtheow and shutting down Unferth. I feel like there is not much to analyze in this movie, but I still need to talk about it you know? Like why did the director decide to make the movie only 2% like the book? That 2% being that Beowulf is the guy, Grendel is the first monster, and Hrothgar is the king. However, while those characters kept their names and basic roles, none of them kept their traits or characteristics. I almost don't even want to talk about Grendel. For the first half of the movie I honestly had to continuously repeat to myself  "this is not my Grendy, this is not my Grendy", because like seriously come on mr director what is going on. The first seen in this movie is seriously Grendel, who is a huge, seriously deformed, human type thing, ripping his head open with his hand/claw because his disgusting exposed eardrum is being hurt by the Danes' merrymaking. Now honestly, I feel for the guy, I understand why he did what he did. He just seemed like a big baby to me, but why did he have to be so gross? I just connected so much with Grendel from his book that now the Grendel, the way he was portrayed, it probably affected me more than most people. Okay, moving on from the worst part of the movie, lets talk about Grendel's stupid origins. Grendel is Hrothgar's son. Funny right? First of all Hrothgar's character in this movie is disappointing. He is drunk and old and fat and extremely rude to Wealtheow. Now, I may just be being forgetful, but I don't remember him being any of that in the book. Okay so Hrothgar was 'seduced' by Grendel's mother, a serpent-like form of Angelina Jolie, like she is literally Angelina Jolie with some scales. She doesn't even live in a cave guarded by fire snakes like come on mr director you missed the descent! Okay, but yeah she seduced Hrothgar so now Grendel is his son, and honestly they did a good job of showing the resemblance, especially after Grendel freaking shrank and shriveled like what. Okay yeah but that's his son so that is a big plot twist and Wealtheow is all mad about it and I thought it was very, very dumb. But then, skipping around a bit, it gets much, much worse. After Grendel dies, instead of attempting to seek revenge, Grendel's mother just makes Bewoulf spawn her another child, which I think is a total blow on female kind. Apparently all we're good at is seduction and child rearing? But yeah so Beowulf impregnates Grendel's mother, then marries Wealtheow after Hrothgar dies, then after several years this dragon starts attacking the land, but it is really Beowulf's shapeshifting-monster-son? They did not explain that very well and it was very dumb and I hated this movie. Okay also who is Beowulf's faithful brother-man supposed to be? I didn't recognize his name, which sounded like a mixture of wheat and Wealtheow. Okay so lets throw some analysis in here. Lets try to analyze the hero's journey. First Beowulf arrives, his call to action was knowing that Hrothgar needed help, but he must have skipped the refusal of the call stage. Next he was supposed to meet his mentor, I guess this could be Hrothgar since he gives him that stupid dragon horn that makes him have sex with Grendel's mother. Next hes supposed to cross the threshold, honestly I don't know what this would have been in the movie. Next he has tests, allies and enemies, This part is easy to identify, all the danes and geats are his friends, Grendel and Grendel's mother are his enemies, and facing them are his tests, one of which he failed. Like his only job was to not have sex with Grendel's mother and to kill her, but no instead he does it and then lies about it to everyone like yeah okay. Next is the approach, I guess this is the whole time until the dragon-boy-man-son comes. No actual this is probably before he goes to see Grendel's mother. So then he does that, which is the ordeal where he is supposed to face his greatest fear. Next is the reward, this would be him becoming king and getting Wealtheow. Next is the road back which is when the slave finds the stupid dragon horn. Next the resurrection, so this is when the dragon-thing comes. Then he is supposed to return with the elixir, but he fails and dies. So yeah honestly the whole movie was confusing and I just felt like I needed to share my feelings with a community that may have seen the movie because my mom did not understand why I was so distressed during the movie. So basically in my opinion, the director just wanted to make a fast paced adventure hero story that had absolutely no meaning to it, and he succeeded in that. But in the processes, he soiled a great classic, confused thousands of viewers, and severely scared a little eight year old me and made me leave the theater.